Another day lived....for what...I have no idea. I don’t want to be here on this earth anymore. I am tired of caring about people and I can’t stop. And I can’t live like this anymore! I hate how I let my guard down just to get hurt....I never have time and when I do I’m rushing to get things done.... and then its all hectic and then when I get to see my friends or my boyfriend I’m worn out and I don’t feel like talking or hugging or whatever...I just want to be left alone. Tomorrow I have to go see Mr. R to turn in my homework...ugh he’s such a ditz sometimes. Everything hurts and everything just ugh fucking sucks major ass!!!!!!!!!! I hate this woman I call my fucking Grandma because shes a fucking bitch and I hate her so much and she just talks shit all the fucking time and she doesn’t fucking remember anything and its like UGH! I hate everything about her and I hate her ways. My other Grandma ...Ruth she is the biggest whiner ever! She ruins my life as well as the other one! They are both super bitches.......Ruth is demanding and fucking rude. Connie is a bitch and doesn’t fucking remember the last place she fucking went or did and its like UGH! WHY!!!!! How the fuck did I get fucking stuck is this fucking family. It doesn’t matter anymore....I just have to deal with it. I just don’t want to deal with it because I shouldn’t feel I should have to. I hate how things are between me and my family and friends and whoever else. People that don’t even fucking know me are talking shit and its not fair. People don’t know how I am or my real me. They know what buttons to push though and they know how to manipulate me into thinking that’s they are going to be nice or whatever again and I give them million of chances and they screw up....but I STILL FUCKING CARE ABOUT THEM AND ARE THEIR FRIEND! Normally people that are normal wouldn’t put up with that crap. But the question is....I want to know why I still hold onto people who hurt me. Why I still love them. Why I still care....and I haven’t been able to figure it out. Like JUAN SP! He says he still want to be friends but he doesn’t fucking call and he doesn’t fucking care about any fucking one. He cares about monica its always been about monica. How they are like peas in a pod and shit and I was always the one left out. Technically we would do what I wanted to do....but they would somehow find it funny or whatever to hurt me and shit. But why....why do I still care...why do I want them to be my friends again. I don’t know...maybe because I don’t have anyone else.... I don’t know what the fuck it is. I just get so angry and I can feel myself getting hot and wanting to just hurt someone! I get these spells to where I want to seriously hurt someone and not care what the fuck happens to them and I know its wrong but the thing is I don’t care....I don’t want to care about things.....funny how I can not care about my feelings but about others. I take everyones problems on my shoulders and I try and help them but they don’t seem to want fucking help when they are wanting to do what they want to do even if it’s the worse choice they can make. I am so tired of everything. I’m tired of life and I’m tired of myself. I don’t want to be here and I don’t want to be in this body anymore. I hate how some people are all like “oh youre so cute” when in reality I’m fucking hideous and worth a ton of nothing! I hate pretending that I have a ton of friends....really I do. At one time I did...but now its down to no one... I want to have a big bash for my 18th  birthday...but that’s not going to be possible because I don’t have many people to invite. Rather...I would invite but the question is...who would come. This year for my bday....it was okay....it sucked because monica tried to ruin it and juan sp did ruin it.....and again...the big ass question....why can’t I let him go. Juan SP never really did anything for me....on the contrary .....with everyone...I did everything for everyone! Did anyone ever do anything for me?? No they did not...I had to do it myself. I talk about my problems and some of my secrets to the people I trusted....AND THEY GO AND FUCKING TELL THE FUCKING WORLD! I could see if that problem was something that would hurt my well-being but it didn’t! I wouldn’t! It was just something personal! And I don’t even find it to be really true or whatever but the point was...there is no one you can trust out there guys. Because it will just come back to bite you in the ass....being nice does not fucking pay

I hate being black sometimes....mainly because people are all like “KKK” and it’s annoying. Seriously...its all about white supremacy which I find stupid because I think we’re all equal just left a bit longer in the oven. Its not fair and I hate it because I am a nice person. I am a person who deserves fucking respect and its fucking annoying because I don’t get the respect I deserve. I hate how people are all like “KKK” and with the Nazi sign and stuff and its like...fuck stop already. Grow up...its over and no one deserved to die because of a race and no one should be put down because of their race. There might be like facts such as <i><b>some</i></b>black people are gangsters and Hispanics beaners and Asians can’t drive and stuff but its like...ugh! I HATE IT BECAUSE ITS LIKE NOT FAIR TO THE PEOPLE I CALL MY FRIENDS OR MY BOYFRIEND TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. I have never hurt anyone I swear and I have gotten hurt by many people but I am always nice to people and its not fucking fair. I don’t want anyone to be my friend if they don’t want to be. I don’t want them to be my friend because they have to be. I want them to be my friend because they want to. I try to give advice and it doesn’t fucking work with anyone. I am ready to just give up! And its frustrating and its like ERRRRR cause its like I’m talking but no one is listening. I hate my grandmother because shes a bitch and I hate her with every ounce of me. I hate how she talks smack and does the stupidest things all the fucking time. We are having out bathroom remodeled and its frustrating because there is no shower and I haven’t taken a shower in going on 3 days and its fucking disgusting. *sigh* I wish God would just take me off this earth. I don’t know what Enrique sees in me anymore.....its like he loves me so much but I don’t understand why because people talk smack about how I’m black and its annoying because Its not like I fucking chose. If it were my choice I wouldn’t even be here. I am sick of people calling me names and shit when in reality I’m not! I hate being misunderstood and I hate caring about people because its not like they fucking care one fucking bit. It hurts a lot. I hate being away from friends and not living in Alhambra. I hate being in homeschool...I hate living in this ghetto ass area. I hate how friends keep ugly pictures of me just to post up to find it funny. I hate how people just ignore other people and they wont even let you know if they are alive or are okay.....I want this all to fucking end already. I feel sorry for Enrique and Monica and Damian for being my friend. I feel sorry for them because they have this girl pretending to be what she isn’t. I haven’t found my identity and its annoying because I don’t want to be like the stereotypical black person wearing either blue or red and speaking ebonics and thuggish. I hate that! I hate it with a passion! I hate certain rap songs because they are degrading to women and its like Ugh! What the fuck is the world coming to?!?!?!?!!!!! I hate being me and I hate being my life. I hate how I try to protect people and they mention something that shouldn’t have been mentioned because I don’t want to think about it or relive it. I have stopped certain things that I have done to myself and I thank myself for stopping.....No one helped me what so ever. NO ONE! I told only two people and recently 2 people found out..... so that equals four....but no one else knows...but did they try and help me??? Only the recent two people are excused from it but no one helped me. NO one cared! NO ONE BECAUSE I DO ALL THE CARING FOR FUCKING EVERYONE! I hate feeling alone!  I hate it! I hate everything! I want everything to just STOP! The world to stop fucking turning and for me to express myself about how I really feel! I hate how Ralphie and I don’t that the ESPN thingy anymore. I miss how he and I used to be close to where we would finish each others sentences and feel what the other was feeling. He was the only one that ever bothered to give a damn like that. The only one that took time to try and figure out how I was feeling. He left me...HE LEFT ME HERE ALONE! HE WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO UNDERSTOOD! THE ONLY ONE! I HATE HIM SO MUCH AND IT HURTS SO MUCH TALKING TO HIM ON THE PHONE BECAUSE I HOPE ONE DAY IT WILL GO BACK TO BEING THAT WAY! I HATE HIM FOR IT! FOR LEAVING ME HERE ALONE AND HE SAID HE WOULD NEVER LEAVE ME AND IF IN FACT HE DID HE WOULD HAVE SOMEONE ELSE TO TAKE CARE OF ME........NO ONE ELSE WOULD UNDERSTAND! NO ONE ELSE WOULD GIVE A FUCKING DAMN....NO ONE WOULD SPEND THEIR ENERGY TO TRY AND UNDERSTAND ME! I HATE EVERYTHING! I HATE CRYING OVER TIMES WHEN THINGS COULD HAVE BEEN GOOD! I hate pretending to be fine when things aren’t.........I hate how people try and ruin others lives. I hate being blamed for things when they don’t come out right. I hate being so cynical...I hate being pessimistic and I hate people that are sickly pious! I hate it! I hate how God doesn’t fucking show his face anywhere. I hate how this world is supposed to be perfect when there are so many imperfections.... I hate this life...I hate how everything is so cliché where people are like “how did this happen to me....” but its so fucking true. It might go for everyone... but right now...I just want out of this life. Everything is tooo fuckin hard for me. I can’t do anything! Everyone is so much smarter than I am and its fuking annoying because I want to be smart once in a while. I hate having to depend on people. I hate love and I hate life and I hate caring and I hate being myself. No matter how much I try to change to just get away from all the hurt and pain I can’t. Its my disposition I hate pretending...I hate everyone..... I want to die seriously. I don’t know what my fuckin mission is here on earth but I cant deal anymore. I give up...throwin in the towel. People get made fun of and talked about because they are my friend because I’m black but I don’t act it...it fucking sucks. I don’t want anyone to suffer because of me...

Man I have never been so disappointed in my life. I hate how people pretend to be something they aren’t it hurts so bad. I need someone to reassure me things will be okay. I need someone to just hug me and hold me and tell me things that will make the problem(s) go away…things hurt so bad... I hate how people expect me to understand things when they in turn don’t understand anything! They want me to see from their perspective. I want to put my life on hold! And just stop! Just stop! I hate how people pretend and are so fucking fake....I need someone who will make problems go away....will cry with me....will listen to me....feel my pain....everything would be a two way street. I want to cuddle with someone and cry my heart out and just talk about all my problems and have them hold me close and just be there and tell me reassuring things. I just want to be with someone that really cares about me and someone who really loves me and just wants to be there. Someone who isn’t expecting things in return. Someone who is willing to be there without me having to constantly ask them to be...someone who I care about also...someone I can trust...someone....that could possibly turn the world right side up. Someone to take the world off my shoulders..... Not to sound selfish but I want to share this burden and just get rid of all my pain..... Today everyone is going to the DBT dance. I hope those people have fun....I hate having to love people.... I hate having to care. That’s my biggest downfall is loving and caring about people. I don’t ever want to have new people enter my life just to leave.  I miss Deborah....Deborah was like my 3^rd mom... she was always there for me and I could tell or ask her anything. She was the best thing in my life.  I remember asking her what an “orgasm” was......I couldn’t ask my mom because she would never even think about talking to us about sex. So I asked her about it.....and she told me and she was shocked at first but she told me and she was always there just to make sure everything was okay. I told her everything....about my crushes on Ralph to the crushes on lots of people.... she was always there and we joked around and we had fun. We went out once to a karaoke bar and didn’t come home ‘till 4in the morning! It was so great. We went to Santa Monica Beach then to karaoke and then to eat....it was soooooooo fun! When I was wrong about something she would always yell at me and then one time she hit me with a big wooden spoon but I deserved it. She was mainly on my side most of the time....she would tell my mom when she was wrong. My mom would get pissed but Deborah wouldn’t care. She knew I was the nicest kid and the most responsible compared to my sisters and she would always take care of me. She was always there and she was the best thing ever. She would listen to all the music I did and even though she didn’t speak English well....she was still awesome. I could understand her when she would speak in Portuguese and I would put two and two together with Spanish and we could talk that way. She ended up speaking English well and even though she would cut words in half I.E. Cookie=Cook...lol it was so funny. But I loved her so much. She would hug me and tell me things would be okay and she would just be there for me. I  miss having someone to talk to.....Deborah, Priscilla, Yoko, Monica from Brazil, Leia......they each represented a part of my personality. Deborah the motherly side, Leia the studious, Priscilla the party side...Yoko...the young naïve side.....Monica the logical side......we all got along. We had so much fun just chillin and joking around and just having the time of our lives.... *sigh* Those were good times. They were adults....Priscilla and Yoko were like 20....but they were awesome. When things were bad....I would just run to any one of them. They were the bestest.  I never felt so bad....I never felt so lonely....When I would feel sad and Deborah was at work I would go to her bedroom and sleep in her bed and when she would come home she would talk about it with me.....she wouldn’t just ignore it and when she had problems we would talk....When she had a problem with one of the guys she liked being gay.... we would talk about it because we sorta had the same problem and it was just fun because we could relate on so many different levels. I wish she were still a part of my life....Unfortunately she had to go back to Japan to her husband.... (she was Brazilian and Japanese mix).....Then we moved...so everyone else had to move. *sigh* She was the one encouraging me to try out for the volleyball team. I was never really good but she stayed and watched me once and even tied my shoes....Deborah was the bestest.....*sigh* someone who actually cared and was genuine...someone who actually thought I mattered....someone who would help me and just laugh with me instead of at me..... I wish certain things would go back to the way they were....but not all.
~Jennifer.... I’m out

....Wow...things are just....bleh right now. I have never had to do so much thinking about my life...and its sorta bothering me because...I have to make decisions and since I don't trust myself 100% I don't know what I'm doing half the time. I dont know what I'm going to be doing with my life...I don’t know what I want out of life. I'm tired of people being fake...and coming to me with their problems when they don't want to hear mine. I tell someone my problem and then....they either change the subject on me or don't provide any help so its basically like I'm talking to a fucking ass wall. I bet you even a wall would creak more than anyone tries to help me. I feel so alone and I just want out of everything. Really I don’t want to be around anyone or anything sometimes. I need my own space...and I want to talk to who I wanna talk to....and I wanna eat what I want to eat without someone constantly saying its not good for me...who fucking cares. After someone tells you not to eat it...you get the incentive to eat it anyway just to spite them. I want to do what I want to do...even though someone tells me not to. It just makes me want to do it more. But when someone tells me to clean my room...I'm not going to do it because they told me to do it...or I will but not as good as if I were on a cleaning spree.  It’s super annoying. I want to have a normal life again. Without any ties to anyone sometimes. I want to just be myself and do what I was used to doing…. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have a bf because sometimes I feel like I’m bringing him down with me. I don’t usually believe that in order to love others you have to love yourself…but when it comes to me and my bf…I believe it. I do love him but…I feel like I’m bringing him down. I wish somebody would listen to my problems regardless if they like the person or not. I need to get it out. I need advice. Juan SP used to help me with that once in a while. He would listen and he would tell me whether or not I was wrong. He doesn’t know how much I need him……I tried to say that I didn’t care….but I do…and that’s what messed up because hurts alone. I’ve never felt so alone in my life. I want things to go back to normal. When I had all my friends…and keep my boyfriend. I hate myself more than ever because of letting my friends fight with each other and not keeping them in line. I expected a lot of out them…and I expected they would turn out nice….but obviously….not. I wish Monica would get along with the people I call “friends” and stuff and we just be cool w/ each other. But now its like ugh because she doesn’t realize how it hurts people and she doesn’t care which sucks majorly. I don’t understand how people can be so selfish. They are so selfish and its like…how can they live with themselves like that. She said she’s reflected on stuff…but she hasn’t come up with answers….that’s a bunch of bullshit to me because people can change. People are either born mean or born nice….and they can change if they really really want to. I hate the fact that I think we are having a fun time and stuff  when really according to Monica she just makes the best of things and she doesn’t really have fun. Well then why the fuck does she bother to hang out. Same thing will go for anyone…its like if they are having such a bad time they should just fucking leave. Its not fair for people to have to pretend…so make it easier on yourself….. DON’T HANG OUT WITH ME! And then making me have to choose between my friend Eric and my boyfriend Enrique…she should be nice to them either way. I don’t know why I let her get to me…well I do know….because people are so fucking stupid and they should be slapped in the face. I would never put her in a position like that. I would never do that to anyone…unless they were hurting themselves by being friends with that kinda person. My friend Eric and Enrique have done nothing to her…..and no one else has a problem with them except her. Just once in a theater we were sitting down and it was a big group of us and then we were hanging out watching some movie and I dropped this thing I bought at Wal*Mart and they tapped her shoulder to get it and then she was having a heart-attack because they tapped her shoulder…she swears they were going to fucking rape her and then they tapped her again just for it to be a joke and I was busting my ass up and she got all mad….and shes still holding that grudge from like freshman year if not earlier. It’s ridiculous. When I bring up how Juan and Monica have physically abused me…well fuck it happens all the time. I know I am my own worst enemy by hanging out with either one of them….and its like gah! I want to have a good time…hanging with my friends and my boyfriend. I care deeply for the both of them. Really I do….my boyfriend is the only one that realizes it. Monica has never stuck up for me….no one has and Enrique finally said something when Juan put the ice + ice water down my pants. I was like….DUDE FINALLY. Everyone thinks its so fucking funny….but no it wasn’t. It was totally messed up! They wouldn’t dare do it to someone else. They use me just to make fun of me and stuff and well I guess monica was right. I am my own worst enemy and I am dumb….dumb for hanging with them and considering them friends. They have never once done anything for me. Ralph, Enrique, Juan Villa, and Nick are the ones there for me. Especially Nick…Thanks nick for being there it means a lot *hugs* thanks for every bro. He’s the only one that talks everything out with me and makes everything feel okay. Cause he doesn’t change the subject on me, he listens, and he tries to comprehend and he finishes sentences because he knows how to word them so that I know what I’m talking about. It’s like he is born to be a shrink. He is such a good friend *hugs* thanks nick. Thank you so much. Nick doesn’t judge me and nick knows how I feel. I’ve tried to help nick, but I know it can never equal how much he’s helped me. He does his best at least. It’s like nick isn’t fake…its either he likes you or doesn’t….and nick likes almost everyone because he doesn’t judge.. I don’t care about my social status….I don’t if you’re gay/bi/trans/les….doesn’t matter as long as you are a nice person and are worth my time. Don’t talk shit…don’t be a fuck face….be decent….be decent to my and my friends…..thats all I ask. That goes for the pre-existing friends already. No one should be mean to anyone. Everyone should be cool especially over something petty. Monica was stupid for taking all the stuff away from me when I was at her house. I was going to use her Ipod…and dude…I don’t have the money to buy one! All I wanted to do was listen to it! BUT NO I COULDN’T DO THAT! It was frustrating because NO one should treat anyone like that….no one……act like a child who wants to be selfish. I can’t forgive her for that…nor will I ever forget it. No…I won’t. Because it wasn’t fair for me to be treated like that. She took the Ipod…the Cds…the Cdplayer…made me listen to a song on KROQ …I couldn’t even listen to what stations I wanted to….I was drawing on the newspaper and she tried to take the pencil from me…then she got fed up cause I wouldn’t talk to her and she took the pencil and I grabbed a pen and she grabbed the pen from me and said that it was all hers….and then the newspaper she took. I hate her for that. I hate her so much. She will seriously burn in hell for that. He reason for doing so…was because I was just taking and not asking…shit if it were something that was valuable or sacred or something that was given to her by a family member…but shit no! it was worthless stuff! Stuff that is there purposely for someone to listen to. Then I log on her computer to dl some songs….I dled about 6 of them and she had a freaking ass heart attack! Because “I didn’t ask” I was like okay…u have dsl…..so delete them I just felt like listening to some songs. Then I was listening to them and she changes them. Then she was showing ugly ass pictures of me…she keeps them only for her to post up on a fucking live journal or fucking blurty or something or even xanga….to show people that I am a bad person. (not that I take any pictures well…cause I’m ugly but that’s not the point)…..its like who made her fucking God….no one because shes not God. She’s not here to judge anyone or anything especially when she has nothing worth showing off. Okay yeah shes thin….and so what! Who cares! Yeah she has long hair….So? Yeah she is sorta photogenic….and?! Its like geezus she has no right to ever think she is better than anyone. She has no right whatsoever. Shes no better than anyone. Shes better than people the drink, smoke, do drugs, and have casual sex….I’m better than that too…. Shes only mean to the people that she thinks she can control or can manipulate and of course the people I happened to have like/d. It sucks because she wont do it to Ralph. She won’t do it to Juan V. And I’ve liked the both of them at one time! Its like……come on now. She only does it to them. That gives her no right. Then she acts like shes fucking delirious and shes fucking stupid and pretends like they were being mean to her first. Her first response to saying hi to people is “ohh….you look fatter” that’s all she says. Its like…who the fuck cares! Personally I don’t think supa thin people are attractive. I don’t….I don’t like it…(cept you Juan V. Muah) and that’s it.. I thought Ralph was hott back in 7^th grade even when he was like on the heavy side back then. To me Ralphie will always be beautiful and hott…Always….but I feel like he’s left me too……he’s in his own world…..I used to depend on him to make my day before….now I know I can live without him….but once I get used to something…..I never prepare myself… for the worst…..I never prepare myself for that routine to end…I used to talk to him everyday….he used to be there for me. He used to promise me he would never leave me. Now its like I feel he could care less….like most of the people such as Monica. Hurting me….the only person that has been there for her. She swears that I always put guys I like/d before her…and its like…no I don’t. I do what people like…such as just hanging out and playing games and talking. I for one, don’t like shopping unless I need to…and its like not fair. I didn’t embarrass her with her friend Eric other than saying stuff about Double G. It’s like okay…yah…and I don’t regret it. Ill do it again I swear I will and to the double G himself…I’ve only been nice to her…. I’ve always been there for people…and Nick is the only one there. Thanks again nick…. I wont forget it *hug* Seriously…. I just want to exit this life. If only God had a button to push when things get too tough. Some button to push to get out of this life. Like futurerama has a suicide box…..you pop in what…a quarter and then you’re gone in an instant. Its like…if only if only freakin only! I wish I could just to get away from everyone and everything. I wish I enjoyed my own company…but I don’t. I don’t enjoy much of anything that I do alone. Because I get lonely…. I get lonesome and I know I am going to have to learn how to be on my own…..but I can’t. I depend on others…and I know I say I’m independent but I’m not. Who was I kidding. I depend on other people to feel good…and it sucks. Because I wasn’t like that. I hate how Diana has thrown me to the side…I hate how Ralph has left me when he was my everything my escape because he was so good at comforting even though he wasn’t physically in front of me to hug me. He used to be able to finish my sentences and we had such a tight relationship…and I hate how he’s left me. He is sort of like everyone else …cracking jokes about people I happen to care about….and it hurts because he would never have done that before. He asked me that if I wanted him to believe me…he would…..but a friend wouldn’t ask that question. A friend wouldn’t ask, a friend would know….that was the thing to do. I hate how Diane just left me on my own and we used to be so tight, doing almost everything together. People Don’t think things hurt…..but they do. And they slowly drift away from you and then you’re all alone. It sucks major. I want to be happy again…..I want to be with my friends again. ….wait maybe..thats not such a great idea…. Nuh…its not such a great idea…. They just make things harder …. They ruined my life..and I’m sure its been mutual…..I need to know the difference between being nice…and being a crutch…. I’m tired of people walking all over me. I’m going to speak my mind and if you don’t fucking like it don’t fucking talk to me anymore because I am not holding back anymore. *ugh* tomorrow I’m supposed to hang out with Enrique….I hope we have a good time….and nothing gets fucked up….well it might because its my fucking life but what the fuck ever.

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